It strains credulity to think that on the day after the Tohoku earthquake put Japan on the precipice of an actual nuclear meltdown, Peter King thought it appropriate to use the term "nuclear winter" to describe the NFL lockout, but it's symptomatic of the kind of journalistic hyperbole that will accompany the labor stoppage. Indeed, what on earth will the American people do if there's no NFL season this year? Will the yawning maw of hell not open and swallow us all? Well, in the event that it doesn't, we can consider watching that Other Football--the one we call "soccer." Before you go all Jim Duggan on me, please note that I like the NFL as much (and probably more than) the next American guy. Then, at least consider these five reasons why soccer might not be a bad surrogate for the NFL this fall.
1. Fewer commercials--No, actually MUCH fewer commercials. Considering there are only commercials at halftime (and not, say, after every goal or kickoff or corner kick), watching a soccer match on television doesn't make one feel as if they are enduring a brainwashing experiment bankrolled by a Coors, Subway, the fast food industry and various Big Pharma conglomerates. You will not see a Silver Bullet train materialize out of thin air to the theme of the O'Jay's "Love Train" eight times in an afternoon and feel your will to live slowly slip away. You'll also miss the same company's attempts to try to convince you that you need a specially designed label to tell you that their product is, in fact, cold. Honestly, this might be reason enough to watch a soccer match.
2. Many of the players on opposing clubs still really don't like each other--In the post-lockout NFL, the profound sense of unity and camaraderie that already binds the players will only be strengthened by a protracted struggle against ownership. And while this is great for union solidarity, when it comes to competition, I tend to prefer what the state of Georgia calls "clean, old fashioned hate." Soccer offers plenty of that, along with a fair bit of hate that is not clean at all, but just plain bigoted and sad. Nevertheless, the passion and atmosphere that is generated by the cocktail of historical tensions (whether they be sectarian, regional, political, socioeconomic or a witches brew of all of these) that simmer just below the surface of soccer's greatest derbies and rivalries is often channeled through the crowd to the actual players with spectacular results (for recent examples, see Celtic v Rangers or Roma v Lazio). There is rarely any professional courtesy on derby day. And for someone who, like me, prefers a post-game bust-up to a prayer group, there's nothing wrong with that.
3. The tabloidish off-the-pitch hijinks of a typical large club's players and their WAGS (wives and girlfriends) can make the cast of the Jersey Shore look like the BYU Ping Pong Club--Whoever says the NFL is the best reality show on television isn't familiar with the English National Team--a media-fueled cavalcade of cupidity and crassness whose recent ability to disappoint, infuriate and fascinate an entire nation is beyond compare. The hedonistic exploits of that lot are literally too numerous to recount here, so, instead, I'll only mention the curious case of then 25-year-old Romanian striker named Adrian Mutu. While playing for the English Premier League's Chelsea F.C., Mutu, sometimes known as the Prince of the Carpathians, tested positive for cocaine. It then became clear, thanks to the inimitable Sun, that blow may have been the least interesting thing he was doing. As it turned out, Mutu, who was alleged to have often consulted gypsies, had supposedly participated in orgies with Transylvanian porn stars during which he drank their blood. Now that's a brand of "#winning" that could make Charlie Sheen blush. Suddenly, those tweets from Chad Ochocinco don't seem all that interesting after all.
4. The matches are relatively short--Due in large part to the absence of commercials about erectile dysfunction and five dollar foot-longs, matches are over in a little under 2 hours (i.e., the amount of time it usually takes Phil Simms to say something even remotely interesting).
5. The footballs are not mutually exclusive--If you end up sampling the Beautiful Game and enjoying it, you need not quit cold turkey once the NFL returns. Conveniently, Sunday's matches will wrap up right before 1 PM EST, allowing you time to consult your beer's label to make sure it's as cold as the Rockies right before the early games kickoff.
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