If There's No NFL This Fall, You Could Always Watch . . . Football

It strains credulity to think that on the day after the Tohoku earthquake put Japan on the precipice of an actual nuclear meltdown, Peter King thought it appropriate to use the term "nuclear winter" to describe the NFL lockout, but it's symptomatic of the kind of journalistic hyperbole that will accompany the labor stoppage. Indeed, what on earth will the American people do if there's no NFL season this year? Will the yawning maw of hell not open and swallow us all? Well, in the event that it doesn't, we can consider watching that Other Football--the one we call "soccer." Before you go all Jim Duggan on me, please note that I like the NFL as much (and probably more than) the next American guy. Then, at least consider these five reasons why soccer might not be a bad surrogate for the NFL this fall.

1. Fewer commercials--No, actually MUCH fewer commercials. Considering there are only commercials at halftime (and not, say, after every goal or kickoff or corner kick), watching a soccer match on television doesn't make one feel as if they are enduring a brainwashing experiment bankrolled by a Coors, Subway, the fast food industry and various Big Pharma conglomerates. You will not see a Silver Bullet train materialize out of thin air to the theme of the O'Jay's "Love Train" eight times in an afternoon and feel your will to live slowly slip away. You'll also miss the same company's attempts to try to convince you that you need a specially designed label to tell you that their product is, in fact, cold. Honestly, this might be reason enough to watch a soccer match.

2. Many of the players on opposing clubs still really don't like each other--In the post-lockout NFL, the profound sense of unity and camaraderie that already binds the players will only be strengthened by a protracted struggle against ownership. And while this is great for union solidarity, when it comes to competition, I tend to prefer what the state of Georgia calls "clean, old fashioned hate." Soccer offers plenty of that, along with a fair bit of hate that is not clean at all, but just plain bigoted and sad. Nevertheless, the passion and atmosphere that is generated by the cocktail of historical tensions (whether they be sectarian, regional, political, socioeconomic or a witches brew of all of these) that simmer just below the surface of soccer's greatest derbies and rivalries is often channeled through the crowd to the actual players with spectacular results (for recent examples, see Celtic v Rangers or Roma v Lazio). There is rarely any professional courtesy on derby day. And for someone who, like me, prefers a post-game bust-up to a prayer group, there's nothing wrong with that.

3. The tabloidish off-the-pitch hijinks of a typical large club's players and their WAGS (wives and girlfriends) can make the cast of the Jersey Shore look like the BYU Ping Pong Club--Whoever says the NFL is the best reality show on television isn't familiar with the English National Team--a media-fueled cavalcade of cupidity and crassness whose recent ability to disappoint, infuriate and fascinate an entire nation is beyond compare. The hedonistic exploits of that lot are literally too numerous to recount here, so, instead, I'll only mention the curious case of then 25-year-old Romanian striker named Adrian Mutu. While playing for the English Premier League's Chelsea F.C., Mutu, sometimes known as the Prince of the Carpathians, tested positive for cocaine. It then became clear, thanks to the inimitable Sun, that blow may have been the least interesting thing he was doing. As it turned out, Mutu, who was alleged to have often consulted gypsies, had supposedly participated in orgies with Transylvanian porn stars during which he drank their blood. Now that's a brand of "#winning" that could make Charlie Sheen blush. Suddenly, those tweets from Chad Ochocinco don't seem all that interesting after all.

4. The matches are relatively short--Due in large part to the absence of commercials about erectile dysfunction and five dollar foot-longs, matches are over in a little under 2 hours (i.e., the amount of time it usually takes Phil Simms to say something even remotely interesting).

5. The footballs are not mutually exclusive--If you end up sampling the Beautiful Game and enjoying it, you need not quit cold turkey once the NFL returns. Conveniently, Sunday's matches will wrap up right before 1 PM EST, allowing you time to consult your beer's label to make sure it's as cold as the Rockies right before the early games kickoff.

Charlie Sheen is Gone--Let's Get James Spader Up in the Bullpen

Every time I see a story about a recent performance of Charlie Sheen's One Man Traveling Circus, I can't help but think of the scene in Ghostbusters when Dan Ackroyd's character, Ray Stantz, is rambling on after invoking the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man. Hearing his partner go to pieces, Bill Murray's Peter Venkman dryly notes, "Ray has gone bye-bye . . . ."  Charlie, too, has gone bye-bye.  And while I'm by no means a fan of Two and a Half Men, I can't help but find this situation interesting simply because it leaves the show's creators with one of the most perplexing of all Hollywood riddles.  How does one replace the true star of the show?  Here's a clue--the answer is not "John Stamos."


No, Jesse from Full House is never going to be the answer, but, to be fair to Stamos, there probably isn't a viable long-term replacement for Sheen.  And that's why I hope that the producers just take the cynical approach and try to find someone who could just help carry the show for a season or two (see Jon Lovits replacing Phil Hartman on News Radio under, obviously, much different circumstances).

Calling James Spader

Ok, I understand the reasons why this cannot possibly work, with the primary reason being that Spader is not really a comic actor. However, in terms of chemistry, I don't think Jon Cryer and Sheen, in all their seasons on Two and a Half Men, have produced anything even approaching this scene from Pretty in Pink. There are just so many things to like in that clip. That feathered hair. That bitchin' (and blousy) white suit. That slouched, I-don't-give-a-f--k shuffle. I don't think you can beat that. As badass as Charlie Sheen thinks he is right now, he's not even in the same league as Spader's Steff.

But it's not just the Steff-Duckie dynamic that would make this such a fun watch. As his turns as the obnoxious Steff and truly evil Rip from Less Than Zero demonstrate, Spader was a master at channeling the dark side of the spoiled, Gen-X rich kid. I'm pretty sure he would be similarly adept at portraying those same douche bags as they enter middle age. Wouldn't it be great to see how Steff is making out today? Probably much better than he deserves. I could just see him as a twice-divorced, Silicon Valley-based venture capitalist who summers on Nantucket, has his pilot's license, wears a scarf in the summer and rocks Façonnable shirts. Can't someone make this work for a least a couple of episodes? As great as this could be, I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm sure the chances of this happening are, well, nah-dah.